Dealing with myself

I'm writing here so that I can say things that I need to say, and still put them out there without having them somewhere like livejournal where people I know can easily find them. For a while, I think this will be my own little place in the world to talk, vent, cry, laugh, and just all around get to know myself.
I know it probably sounds strange that a 20 year old would need to find herself, but you see, I've always led a life of lies. Its been something that I've needed to change for years, but I've never had the push I found recently.
I lost a relationship because of my life of lies and betrayal. Not just any relationship, a very special one with very special people. I really wish I could turn the clock back and fix all I've done, but I can't. The best I can do is to live life differently from here out. Thankfully he's a forgiving man, and has given me a second chance, but it's hard. It's hard because we're going back to the beginning after having already gotten so far in our relationship. It's hard because he's getting to know me again, and that scares the fuck out of me. I've never let anyone this close. It's hard because he has a wife who he has to focus on and work that takes his time. It's hard because we get all the sucky parts of a new relationship, like the distance and not seeing each other or talking often, but not the rush of that 'new relationship energy'. It's hard because I'm so excited while he's so wary. I know that he has every reason to be, I hurt him and people that he loved badly. I know that I should be thankful for the hard, because it's still not as hard as not having him in my life at all.
It's something really strange to relearn how to live at my age. Of course, I say 'my age' like I'm old, I realize I'm still really young, but nonetheless. I have to learn new hobbies, a new way of thinking, new ways of communicating. There is no room for mistakes and that's so much pressure, it's unreal.
I don't have anyone to turn to that understands. It's hard to find a compulsive liar to talk to, but it's next to impossibe to find a compulsive liar who is also (trying to be) submissive, and is poly. That's a combination I just haven't run across.
I'm hoping that putting this out there will be a good way for me to get things off my chest, and have a semi-public way to free write if you will.
I guess that's enough for tonight.