Looking back.

I didn't mean to. Funny how memories that hurt the most creep up on us. I saw that I had a message on LiveJournal. It said that Aleck changed her profile picture. To, of course, a house hunting icon. My heart sank. I hate that I'm not involved, on so many levels. I hate it because what I believed so strongly would be my future isn't,  but more than that I hate that I can't share in their joy. I can imagine what it's like for Aleck. Walking through houses, imagining where things will go, and I'm sure wondering who will live there eventually. I don't know if it'll be me, none of us do. But they're poly, so if not me, possibly someone else. How hard it must be to pick out a home without knowing what the future holds. I wish that I could see her face as she saw the room that will be her bedroom, imagined placing the bed, and where the cats will sleep. I wish that I could share her excitement in picking out furnishings, making this new home so special to her and Sir. I get updates through Sir, when I can bear to hear them, but I so desperately wish she and I were on speaking terms. I would love to hear her tell me about the places, her hopes and dreams. It's times like this when my chest caves in, I miss her so much.
I lay here in bed, a trembling mess from an icon on the screen.. And I wonder what's become of me. All that I threw away, how hard I'm going to have to work to get any semblance of that back, and what I've lost for good. I wish so desperately that I could tell her how much I cared and have her know that it isn't a lie, or manipulation. To have her know that my heart aches for her. That I love her. My biggest fear is that she'll never believe me. That even if things go well with Sir and I, I'll always be a distant figure to her. She may always wonder what's on the surface, and I ache for her in that knowledge. I never wanted to fill her life with discomfort and hardship. I am so very deeply sorry that I hurt her... I don't tell her these things for fear that she won't know their sincerity.. If only I could attach a video of my tears pouring as I type something she may never read.
I wish I could tell her I love her, I miss her, and I want the best for her so much my heart aches. Someday I will, and I hope that she knows I mean every letter.
I love you, Aleck. I love your smile and your eyes. I love your hair and how soft you feel in my arms. As upset as I am to be missing things, I'm so happy that you're getting what you deserve. You deserve a house and a beautiful life more than any other woman I know. You inspire me everyday, with the love you have for your career, yourself, and our Sir. I can't change what I've done, but I won't hurt you again. I'm deeply sorry.