Hurting me

When you're talking about you and her do you say we just to hurt me? You must know what it does to me have it thrown in my face like that. Of course you and her are a 'we' and I'm not. I'm that other girl, the secondary. I'm so tired of this, this entire fucking relationship hurts and sucks. I may be Gregory's Shelle, but apparently that's no where near Gregory's Aleck. I'll always be the girl that came too late, and then it ended. I'll always be second. Second girl, second chance. Fuck this, I wish I were strong enough to leave this behind.

Looking back.

I didn't mean to. Funny how memories that hurt the most creep up on us. I saw that I had a message on LiveJournal. It said that Aleck changed her profile picture. To, of course, a house hunting icon. My heart sank. I hate that I'm not involved, on so many levels. I hate it because what I believed so strongly would be my future isn't,  but more than that I hate that I can't share in their joy. I can imagine what it's like for Aleck. Walking through houses, imagining where things will go, and I'm sure wondering who will live there eventually. I don't know if it'll be me, none of us do. But they're poly, so if not me, possibly someone else. How hard it must be to pick out a home without knowing what the future holds. I wish that I could see her face as she saw the room that will be her bedroom, imagined placing the bed, and where the cats will sleep. I wish that I could share her excitement in picking out furnishings, making this new home so special to her and Sir. I get updates through Sir, when I can bear to hear them, but I so desperately wish she and I were on speaking terms. I would love to hear her tell me about the places, her hopes and dreams. It's times like this when my chest caves in, I miss her so much.
I lay here in bed, a trembling mess from an icon on the screen.. And I wonder what's become of me. All that I threw away, how hard I'm going to have to work to get any semblance of that back, and what I've lost for good. I wish so desperately that I could tell her how much I cared and have her know that it isn't a lie, or manipulation. To have her know that my heart aches for her. That I love her. My biggest fear is that she'll never believe me. That even if things go well with Sir and I, I'll always be a distant figure to her. She may always wonder what's on the surface, and I ache for her in that knowledge. I never wanted to fill her life with discomfort and hardship. I am so very deeply sorry that I hurt her... I don't tell her these things for fear that she won't know their sincerity.. If only I could attach a video of my tears pouring as I type something she may never read.
I wish I could tell her I love her, I miss her, and I want the best for her so much my heart aches. Someday I will, and I hope that she knows I mean every letter.
I love you, Aleck. I love your smile and your eyes. I love your hair and how soft you feel in my arms. As upset as I am to be missing things, I'm so happy that you're getting what you deserve. You deserve a house and a beautiful life more than any other woman I know. You inspire me everyday, with the love you have for your career, yourself, and our Sir. I can't change what I've done, but I won't hurt you again. I'm deeply sorry.

Today.

Well, today's been an adventure! I had some errands to run. I didn't sleep last night. At all. So I got showered about 6, got ready, and headed out. As I was walking out the door Jackson decided he wanted to go bye instead of staying here with my mother, so along he went. We talked and laughed and danced. It was nice to have some time with him even if recent realizations lead me to believe I won't be raising him full time. We made it to my doctor to pick up test results, and while we were headed to the next town over to pay bills my right leg went numb. Completely. I moved it, (physically, with my hand) and slammed the brakes with my left foot to avoid the car that decided it would be great to pull out in front of me. Jackson I were both scared, so we headed home. I got absolutely nothing accomplished except the doctor's office, but it'll just have to be okay. I need this back surgery, sooner rather than later.
On top of that I was sick today, hopefully a temporary stomach bug. Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Missing.

I say the word miss a lot lately. I miss him. I miss her. I miss pain. I miss sex. I miss full inboxes and constant stimulation. I miss Atlanta. I miss my blanket of lies that kept me so safe. But I also feeling like I'm missing. Missing house hunting. Missing the kittys. Missing the constant sharing of space. Missing the freedom to be myself.
I try not to think about it, but we all know how pushing emotions down only works for so long. So, I'm going to talk, I'm going to write, I'm going to feel, I'm going to allow myself to miss.
I know that I caused my current situation. It's a direct result of my actions. Not only the actions that ultimately ended the relationship itself, but the act of walking out that door and not looking back. Well, the not looking back didn't last long. It's one of those books you really like, but you get to the end and the last chapter has been violently ripped away. It's your favorite song without your favorite parts. It's the most beautiful picture you've ever seen, but it hurts to look at.
The fact that I am responsible for where I am now, and where I'll be in the near future is something that I'm slowly but surely learning to deal with. It's not easy, by any means. I wish I could 'make up' for it all at once, instead of slowing, achingly so, building it back a piece at a time. Alas, such is life when you rip down a wall. It goes down easy, almost effortlessly, but takes a long time to put back together. That's what we're doing, what I'm doing. Laying brick after brick, meticulously placing them side by side. I feel like we've only put a few back. A few big important ones, but still few. I want us to have a strong foundation this time. Last time we skipped so much building the beginning that we paid for it in the end.
I miss her. I miss her smile, her eyes, her touch. I miss those wispy blonde hairs on the back of her neck and resting my lips against her back as she slept. It's harder to miss her, becuase I don't know that I'll ever get that back. I hurt her, deeply. I did more than tear down a wall with her. I destroyed all the fragile pieces of what we were. Which wasn't that much. I thought it was so much less until I lost it. I wanted so much from her, for us. I wanted that same love and commitment we have for Sir. I wanted a ceremony committing myself to her, as she had with Sir, and someday I will. I wanted lesbian sushi and crafts together. I wanted Ikea trips where we picked out house decorations together. I wanted want love.
I don't know that I can have the touch of a woman again. I don't know that our relationship is strong enough to survive that much pressure. I don't really want to go looking, either. I don't want to date again. I hate dating. And honestly, I don't want another girl. I want THAT girl. I don't know if she wants me, or ever did. I don't know if there will ever be us again, as anything more able to live in the same space.
I miss freedom to be me. I miss the freedom to pour my heart out and have it be loved and cherished. I miss my head in his lap, his hand in my hair. I miss sitting, kneeling, laying at his feet.
I miss cages. I miss feeling confined. I miss the lack of space that's just for me, small and snug and warm and safe.
Most of all, more than anything.. I miss my collar. My anchor. My symbol. My source of strength. It hurts me so much to type this, to let myself feel this. That's the one thing I don't let myself think about, but at the same time I never really stop. It's a constant, aching, emptiness. It was so much more than a thin chain and a pendant. I never knew how much something so small could be. It was my assurance that it all was real. That it was not a dream I'd wake up from. That my Sir chose me. Wanted me. The day he took it off my neck I died inside. I didn't cry, I didn't sob. Not until later. I collapsed forward. I couldn't help it. Then I stood back up, gathered my things and removed myself from where I wasn't wanted. The days after that I mourned my loss. It was so much more than normal loss, it was like the death of a dear friend. The death of hope. I still think about it. I know that someday, somewhere down the road, we'll get back to that place. I don't know if he still has it. I don't know what happened to it. I wouldn't be surprised if they sold it. I try to convince myself that's what happened. I couldn't bare the loss of it twice. I wonder what a new collar would even begin to be. I wonder if my forever collar will have an anchor. I don't know. I can't think that far ahead.
I miss the lies too. I don't miss what they did to my relationships. I don't miss the person they made me; but I do miss the security. I felt like I was hidden; locked away behind strong walls and no one could get in. I put trick doors and false walls everywhere. Just when you think you've peeled back the last layer, you're not even close.  I miss that. I miss no one knowing who I am, but I realize now that I buried who I was so deep that even I don't know exactly who I am.
This is me. Raw. Bare. Hurting. Learning. Growing. But most of all... Missing.

The Letter I Can't Send

Aleck,
I thought of you today. It's nothing new, I think of you most every day. After all, it's next to impossible to get through a day without seeing anything blue.. I regret so much when it comes to my life, but one of the biggest is you. How I treated you, how much I loved you, and how much I still do. That girl you knew was a lie, so many piled on top of each other that even I can't figure out what the real me might be.
I regret abusing the fact that you opened your home, your safe place, to me. I regret tearing you and Sir apart, even if I know you two have a love that will last forever. I regret that I may have ruined my only chance at a romantic relationship with a girl I love more than words. I regret that my actions never reflected that love.
What's done is done, and as much as talking about it can help, it's in the past now. The fact is, for reasons beyond me Sir has given me an opportunity to become a part of his life again. I don't intend to fuck it up this time. I am going to be the best me I can be. I'm going to start this off as a fresh start, and have the relationship I know we can have. So, here's the thing, at some point... a long way down the road.. I hope you and I will be living together again. I don't know how that's going to work. I know that you and I have to at least learn to tolerate each other. I say that, but I know I can tolerate you. I just have to make sure that my feelings of rejection don't turn me into an uber bitch again. We love the same man. You've been better to him, for longer. But I love him too. I hope you don't see this until we're much further down this road of 'trust building'. I hope that you know I'm back in the picture for good, and I want desperately for you and I to at least be friends. I hope that 5 years from now those months are just a small dark spot in a sea of (mostly) good. I know I'll mess up again, I have no doubt. It won't be the same ways, and it won't be as intentional.
I guess the bottom line is I'm sorry, I love you, and I want us to make a truce... K?
Shelle

Dealing with myself

I'm writing here so that I can say things that I need to say, and still put them out there without having them somewhere like livejournal where people I know can easily find them. For a while, I think this will be my own little place in the world to talk, vent, cry, laugh, and just all around get to know myself.
I know it probably sounds strange that a 20 year old would need to find herself, but you see, I've always led a life of lies. Its been something that I've needed to change for years, but I've never had the push I found recently.
I lost a relationship because of my life of lies and betrayal. Not just any relationship, a very special one with very special people. I really wish I could turn the clock back and fix all I've done, but I can't. The best I can do is to live life differently from here out. Thankfully he's a forgiving man, and has given me a second chance, but it's hard. It's hard because we're going back to the beginning after having already gotten so far in our relationship. It's hard because he's getting to know me again, and that scares the fuck out of me. I've never let anyone this close. It's hard because he has a wife who he has to focus on and work that takes his time. It's hard because we get all the sucky parts of a new relationship, like the distance and not seeing each other or talking often, but not the rush of that 'new relationship energy'. It's hard because I'm so excited while he's so wary. I know that he has every reason to be, I hurt him and people that he loved badly. I know that I should be thankful for the hard, because it's still not as hard as not having him in my life at all.
It's something really strange to relearn how to live at my age. Of course, I say 'my age' like I'm old, I realize I'm still really young, but nonetheless. I have to learn new hobbies, a new way of thinking, new ways of communicating. There is no room for mistakes and that's so much pressure, it's unreal.
I don't have anyone to turn to that understands. It's hard to find a compulsive liar to talk to, but it's next to impossibe to find a compulsive liar who is also (trying to be) submissive, and is poly. That's a combination I just haven't run across.
I'm hoping that putting this out there will be a good way for me to get things off my chest, and have a semi-public way to free write if you will.
I guess that's enough for tonight.

30 Days of Truth

One of my primary goals with this blog is to learn about myself and grow as a person. One thing I really want to do is the 30 Days of Truth Challenge. Day one is to write about something you hate about yourself. Hell of a way to start. Here goes nothing.

I guess it is true about no better way to start writers blog than a prompt, but this one should be significantly easier than a 'love yourself' post.  You see, I'm pretty good at hating myself. There's plenty to list. Lately, I hate myself most for a trait that has ended so many relationships including my last one. I have an undeniable urge to lie. I won't say undeniable, I suppose I could deny it. I just don't. I tell lies almost without thinking. About things that don't matter. About things no one else would lie about, because it just doesn't make sense. I can't even pinpoint exactly why it is that I do it. So very often it's not to achieve a goal, it's just something that I do. I can honestly say I hate that about myself. I want very badly to be the kind of person people can trust. It's definately a goal of mine to work on this flaw in the new year.